Guilt.....

It never fails that somehow my children can make me feel guilty with just a few words or a look.  Though what mother that works a full-time job doesn't feel guilty about not being with their kids?

My children have always been & always will be the most important things in my life. They drive me crazy & make me wonder if they are killing each other but they truly are the loves of my life.

I've had a hard time this week because I am going on a retreat where I won't have my cellphone. This will be the first time ever that my girls won't be able to readily reach me. It's also the first time their step-dad will have them to himself for an entire weekend. I know that Mike is wonderful with my kids but I still feel apprehensive leaving them.  I also know that I need this time for me. I need this time to center myself & reconnect with God.

I pray that while I'm gone my children won't kill each other & that maybe this will help them strengthen the bond they have with Mike & each other.  Hopefully I won't spend the whole weekend weighed down with guilt either.

Prayers and blessings to you.

Lent & Blessings

I find myself being reflective this time of year.  It's the beginning of a new year and the Lenten season.  So many Catholics I know think of the things they will "give up" for Lent and what a hardship this will be.  I can't help but think, this is not a hardship really.  If we stop and think of what Jesus "gave up" for us, we do so little to thank Him for His sacrifice.

I was listening to my daughters last night talk about what they are giving up for Lent & how important it was for them.  I was proud to know that they were giving up things that they really enjoy in reflection of the Lenten Season but yet, I wonder if they truly understand what this means.  I know within the next few days we will spend some time discussing this.

I have been constantly reminded that God makes things happen in His way in His own time.  We can ask, pray, even demand things from Him but it will not happen unless He wishes it so.  I know of several times that I have prayed & asked where He was when I needed Him most.  When I look back now I am reminded of "Footsteps". There are many times in my life when I can look back and see "one set of footsteps in the sand".  I know of many times when, to me, it seemed like God was not there with me at the time but I know that it was those times when He was carrying me & guiding me.

I hope that with the way our world is now & with raising my children, I can pass on to them that no matter how dark it seems, God is always with us.  He may be right beside us or He may be carrying us but He is always there.  All we need to remember is to pray and try to be the better version of ourselves that He wishes us to be.

There are so many blessings that He has allowed me to have in my life. So, I will try to use this Lenten Season to be more thankful for the sacrifices He made so that I could have those blessings.  I'm not going to try to make this about hardships or sacrifices, I want to make this about celebrating.  Celebrating that God sacrificed His only son so that we may live.  How wonderful is that?  That He gave His only son for us.  That is the most noble sacrifice and we should honor that and feel humbly blessed.

Angels

There are words in my heart that I can't seem to put onto paper to express my thoughts about these dear angels that have been lost.  We do not always know God's plans but we have to have Faith & Hope for the best.  I pray for every family that has ever lost an angel either thru miscarriage, born asleep, or lost them after having them for a very short period of time.  Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

I'm asking for you to please light a candle tonight at 7pm in any time zone for one hour in rememberance for these angels.  I know that I will be taking that time to remember mine, my friends', & my family's sweet angels that God welcomed into His arms.

So, please light a candle at 7pm tonight (any time zone) for one hour.

What would you do?

I have to ask this question, what would you do?  Now you are wondering what the rest of that question is.  Well here it is & then I'll explain why I'm asking.

What would you do if you are in your car, waiting to pull into traffic, & someone (who is walking by) either knocks on your window or tries to get your attention wants you to roll down your window?  Would you roll down your window and assist them?

I ask this question because it has happened to me quite a few times within the last two years.  Once, I was in the car with both of my daughters and we were stopped at a red light.  A man knocked on my daughter's window and was asking us to help.  We were not in the best part of town & , as I said, my daughters were with me.  I kept one hand on my cell phone and prayed for the light to turn green so that we could go.  My daughters were scared and finally the light turned for us to go.

Second, I was on my way from work when I had to stop at an intersection.  I was talking on my cell phone with my daughter to let her know I was on my way home.  As I stopped my car an older woman came walking up to my car with tears in her eyes.  I rolled my window just a crack to hear her.  She asked me for help because she was taking care of her grandchildren and desperately needed money to feed them.  I gave her the last $20 I had on me that day.

Third, I have seen this man several times recently.  There's an older man that stands at the stop light near the interstate where I go every day.  He's always walking up & down the median trying to get any one's attention.  I always avert my eyes and hope he doesn't try to bother me.

Each time I have encountered I am reminded of a Bible story.  I don't remember every bit of it but I remember the gist of it.  The story is how a man is told that Jesus is going to visit him that day.  So the man prepares for Jesus to visit him but is interrupted 3 times by strangers.  Finally, the man is so tired and frustrated because he feels that God has not visited him when God appears to the man and explains that He had been there.  That He was those strangers that had interrupted him during the day.  I can't help but wonder when I'm driving away from these strangers that have interrupted my life, "what if that was God?".  What should I have done?

I've always tried to help those in need but in a safe manner.  I know that times are very hard right now and we have more homeless, hungry, & jobless people.  I also remember when I was in their shoes.  It was not too long ago that I didn't have a car and I had to walk several miles to and from work.  That I didn't have money for food & went a lot of time without anything to eat.  That I didn't really have a safe place to sleep but was grateful for what shelter I had at the time.  I also know that I was extremely grateful to those that gave me a hand up in my time of need.  But also during those times, I never knocked on some one's car window or tried to ask anyone to go out of their way to help me.

The hard part I have with it now, is that I'm scared.  Scared that the person that's trying to get my attention or knocking on my window may want to harm me or my children.  Yet, I'm also scared that if I don't do something to help them, that I'm not doing what I should be doing as a Christian.  So, I try to do my part by donating to the food banks, passing on information where they can get the help they are searching for.  But in my heart I'm always asking myself if that was enough.

So, I guess, as I wonder if I do enough, I'm curious to know what you would do. 

Warning! Political and Religious views ahead......

O.K.  I usually try to keep my political and religious views to myself or at least limited to those closest to me but with the presidential campaign ramping up and the state of the world today, I had to say something.

From birth, I have been raised as Catholic.  Not many people understand what it is to be Catholic and how anyone could raise their child as a Catholic.  I have heard before that "how can you choose for your child what religion they are going to be?"  My answer is this: "How can you NOT choose for your child?"  We are all born into this world innocent and unknowing of the things of God & man.  It is our parents' job to TEACH us what is right and what is wrong.  My parents chose to teach me to be Catholic.  I'm not saying that being Catholic is the ONLY religion.  Many people do have questions that they need answered and therefore find them in other religions.  Never once have I tried to make anyone become a Catholic.  I just want them to know God & to love God.  That, to me, is the basis of any religion.

Yes, with all the wars that are happening in our world based on religion, there are many questions.  I am not a theologist so I cannot tell you what is right or wrong in any religion.  I just feel that if we all learned to open our hearts & our minds to God, then we could finally find the Peace that we are all searching for.

There is so much in the media because of the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention.  Honestly, I try to ignore most of the political propaganda that is floating around but this last bit I just could not ignore.  Glen Beck posted on Facebook about how the Democratic National Convention made sure to eliminate any use of God at their convention.  Really??!!  How can you exclude God?  Even if you don't mention God, He is still there.  It saddens me to no end that these people that are wanting to be our representatives in this country want to EXCLUDE GOD.  Excuse me, but I don't want someone who EXCLUDES God to have ANY say for me.

Our Founding Fathers made sure when they set up our Constitution and Bill of Rights that it was based on our BELIEF in GOD.  Look at our Pledge of Allegiance: "One Nation UNDER GOD, Indivisible with Liberty & Justice for ALL".  Of course, there has been talk of them taking this line out of the Pledge of Allegiance.  Our currency has always been printed with "In God We Trust".  Since when did we pull away from God?  When did we stop "trusting in God"?

I believe that we need to get back to our roots and find our Beliefs & Trust in God in our everyday lives and society in order to bring our country to rights.  We are falling fast and without God, I fear we will fall too far with no return in sight.  We need to find that place where we put God & Family first.  We've all been so busy trying to "get ahead" that we are "falling behind" in what really matters.

Again, this is just my opinion.  "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." - Joshua 24:15

Am I a bad Mom?

Well, the new school year has started and I feel like a bad Mom.  Why?  Because there were so many things that I forgot to do before my girls left for school today. 

1. I forgot to take the "First Day of School" pictures.  Honestly, when did this become a priority?  I don't remember ever having "First Day of School" pictures when I was growing up but I am supposed to remember to take pictures of my children before they go to school.  Guess we will start a new tradition: "Second Day of School" pictures!

2. I had no idea where Gabby had put her schedule of classes for this semester.  Last night she had already gone to bed & I was getting ready for bed when I heard their bedroom door open.  Gabby comes to ask me "Mommy, where's my schedule?"  Ummmmm???  Good question.  The last time I saw her schedule was last Thursday when we walked all over the school to meet all of her teachers.  Thank goodness she can get a copy of her schedule from the school office.  Also, since when was I supposed to know where her paper disappeared to?  ("But, Mom, you had it last." Ummm, no, I gave that back to you.  Didn't I????)

3. I get a call from the school today wanting to know if I have Gabby's immunization records.  Dang it!!!  Yes, my daughter has her shots but if I could remember where I put those papers I will be doing good.  Maybe the doctor has a shot for me to have a better memory?

4. I forgot to make sure Gabby had her physical papers with her this morning also.  Guess I will be searching my house this evening for all her papers or calling the doctor's office tomorrow.  ("Hello? Yes, I've lost my daughter's physical papers because my brain was not ready for school yet & is still on vacation somewhere.")

I swear, that sometimes I need a secretary at home to keep up with papers, schedules, & missing items!!  It doesn't help that we are still unpacking boxes.  If I was the only person in my house, I might be able to find things but I am not the only one.  So, I may have put something on the kitchen table (so it would be easy to find) but that doesn't mean it is still there. (The dog ate it! Honestly, she could have.  She's already shredded our gas bill.)

This kind of lost item situation happens often in our house.  Just this weekend I was checking to make sure I had my Westfest Associate Director name badge & to locate Mike's.  Guess what.  I found mine but we have no clue where Mike's is.  So, I guess I will be searching our storage facility to see if it is in one of the boxes that we haven't moved yet.  Especially since Westfest is this Labor Day Weekend.

Yes, we are spread here, there, & yonder.  We laugh about it in our house because we know how disorganized we are compared to others in our family. (Don't even ask how many storage buildings we have!) I wish I could be as organized and well prepared like my mother & sister.  I often have to call my sister to ask if we have a certain meeting or my niece will send me a text message the morning of the meeting.  LOL! 

I am working hard on organizing this new home of ours but I just need more time.  Between working full-time, keeping up with the girls' schedules, volunteering, & other family obligations; I'm good to get sleep!!  I keep praying that the organization fairies will magically fix my house for me.  They can also drag the house cleaning fairies, cooking fairies, & laundry fairies to help them out.  :)  Until then, I will continue to bumble things up and try to get it right.  At least I am there for my kids when they need me no matter how disorganized my home & life may be. 

Do you really know me?

As time goes by I find myself asking that question a lot.  I think it really hit home when my 20th class reunion came around this year.  I debated for a long time if I wanted to go or not.  I was part of our class page on Facebook & I would read the posts as the reunion drew closer.  As I read I would think "who is that?", "do I remember that person from high school?".  Of course, with a class of over 330 it's not likely that I knew everyone.  Also, not very likely that I was known either.

My husband, Mike, & I actually graduated from the same school & the same year.  We didn't really know each other in high school.  Mike will tell you that he saw me as "Miss Goody Two Shoes" in school because I didn't get into trouble and didn't go to the parties.  He was in a whole different "clique" at school than I was.  So, we didn't really know each other then. 

Mike & I were not able to attend the 20 year reunion after all.  We were moving into our new home (well, new to us).  We both took turns looking at the pictures posted on the Facebook page to see who we could recognize.  It looks like everyone had a great time but we couldn't even guess the names of some people.  I guess that's what happens after 20 years and a class of so many.  I found myself regretting that I had not attended the reunion.  That I felt like I should have gone to see if anyone remembered me like I was trying to remember them from the pictures. 

I don't know who would have remembered me & I sometimes wonder what they would remember about me from high school.  Would they be like my husband and think of me as the one that didn't get into trouble?  Would they think of me as the one that the computer teacher left in charge of the class whenever she left the room?  Or would they think of me as the friend that they missed & hadn't seen in so long?  I don't know what the answers to those questions would be now but hopefully we can attend our 25 reunion and see.

This whole thing with our reunion & how I was thinking brought me full circle to my daughter, Caitlin, who is a Freshman this year.  This summer we have talked about how she feels out of place because she thinks people think she is "too random & different".  The only advice that I can give to her is to be herself.  If only those people she goes to school with could see 1/10 of what I see when I'm around her, they would know what a special person she really is. 

I think the problem with high school is we are all trying to find our "place" and how we fit in with everyone else so that we don't really take the time to really get to know who we are.  I can tell you that the friends that take the time to really know you, are the ones that you will have the rest of your lives.  Also, take the time to really get to know someone that you are around all the time.  Everyone needs to dig below the surface and quit judging what's on the surface. 

So ask yourself, do you really know me and do you really know yourself?  I know I am.