Looking at the title of this post & that of my blog, you would think I was actually talking about going to church to confession. No, it's not about that. Yes, confession is good for the soul & definitely more of what I need to do but that's not what this post is really about. It's hard for me to put into words what I am trying to type now. Current events in the news have compelled me to write. I am writing because of Ray & Janay Rice.
I don't like to talk about those times in my past because I still cannot believe that I let these things happen to me. I am a smart woman. I knew how to take care of myself. I knew what was right & wrong or so I thought. The first time I was involved in an abusive relationship, I was 18 years old. I don't have any excuses for it. I had just graduated high school & most of my friends were off to college while I stayed home to go to community college. I was lonely. I started to hang out with a guy that I knew wasn't good for me. I knew him from other people while in high school & could never stand him while I was in high school. Yet, for some reason, I started hanging out with him all the time. Unfortunately, that caused a rift between my family & myself. One that I still have a hard time forgiving myself for. I ended up moving in with this person & my life changed for the worst. I still can't explain how I let this happen to me. I was a smart girl. I knew what was right & wrong. Yet, I got involved with someone who took all my money, helped get my vehicle repossessed, took something valuable from me that will never be returned, & who hit me. I lived in confusion & fear. I didn't think I could turn to my family because of how I had acted at the beginning. I had to walk miles to and from work every day. I had no food & never knew what to expect when I came back to the apartment. When he hit me, he said he was teaching me to defend myself. I finally came out of this situation after my great-aunt passed away. My family reached out to me & helped pull me from the hell I was in. I owe them so much for that. They pulled me out of abuse, they healed me from illness, & they kept me from going to jail.
After that, I told myself I would NEVER get into another situation like that again. How wrong I was.... A few years later I started dating someone I had known through the family for years. To all intents and purposes he was a good Catholic, Czech boy. My family knew his family. That should make everything right. No, it didn't. After a short period of dating we were engaged & after an even shorter engagement, we were married. Part of me thinks that my body & my head were warning me that things weren't right because shortly after we were married I developed migraines. I suffered from at least 1 or 2 migraines a week during the entire time we were married. I honestly thought that our marriage was as marriages were supposed to be. There is always going to be some arguing, some disagreement. Yet, as the years went on, everything became my fault. I wasn't good enough. It was his way or the highway. We had one beautiful daughter & while pregnant, I lost my job. I think that was a real turning point in our relationship. Dealing with the hardship & uncertainty. We kept together for a few more years & the arrival of another beautiful daughter. Unfortunately, I still remember when I took the pregnancy test & it was positive how he looked at me in condemnation even though we had agreed to have more children. The put downs & jibes at me continued. Everything was still my fault. I was a horrible mother. The fights & the hurt from the words & emotions. Finally, I saw how I was hurting my kids, how I was away from my family. I started to see a counselor who explained verbal & emotional abuse. I started to find my backbone before he could ever lay a hand on me. He then asked for a divorce & I thought my world shattered.
I am Catholic & believed that you could not get a divorce. That it was morally wrong. That was one of the things that kept me married to him for 7 years. Along with trying to figure out how I was going to take care of two little girls by myself. I had no where to go. We were living in a mobile home on his parents' land. He had them convinced that I was the problem also. How time changes so many things. We divorced & I picked myself up for my kids.
As time goes on, I can see some things through his eyes. I can understand his fear & uncertainty and know that since I was the closest one to him, I was an easy target. No, I cannot easily forget the pain that was caused but I have learnt to forgive. He & I actually get along now, most of the time. I think we were both so young & hurt by our marriage that it has made us both leery of each other & other people.
Luckily, time starts to heal all wounds. I have now been in a good relationship for over 7 years. My husband & I will celebrate 5 years of marriage next March. He truly loves me & doesn't hurt me. He doesn't want to change me & he believes in me.
Now I look to the future & try to protect my daughters from what I experienced. I thought I knew the signs before I got involved in my abusive relationships but I was wrong. I hope that I can see any signs before my daughters ever experience them.
A few things that every woman should know is that you are better than any one will ever give you credit for. Don't ever feel that you are not good enough. God put you on this earth so you are more than good enough because you are a child of God. Second, you always have a place to go to. No matter how bad it seems, there is always a friend, a family member, a complete stranger, or a church that will help you. You just have to reach out. I learnt that even being Catholic, divorce happens. God forgives & He knows everything that goes on behind closed doors. He does not want His children to be hurt so He knows it's o.k. when you have to do something to get out of those situations.
I pray for all the women, young & old, that have been in or are currently in abusive relationships. God is listening to our prayers & He will help you. Just reach out & ask. If you know me & need help, just ask. I will help. No one, no one deserves to be hurt.
I hope & wish for better for all of the men & women who are in abusive relationships. I hope & wish that our future generations do not have to experience them either.
You are smart, you are beautiful, you are worthy!!!
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