I have to admit that I have never been the most organized person. There has always been a touch of chaos to the way I have lived since I was a child. My mother would get exasperated with my room as would my sister since we shared a room until we were teenagers. I would do a deep clean about once a month which would consist of me basically taking everything out & then replacing it. Major cleaning. Lol!
As I got older, I got a little better about being organized so that I would be able to do what I needed to do. Yet, there was some chaos still then. There was always something more important to do than to focus on organization.
Once I was married and started having kids, I tried to keep things organized. My kitchen is my obsessively organized area in my home. It drives me absolutely batty when something isn't where it is supposed to be there. Probably because I love to cook & bake so I have to have order there. Unfortunately, 99% of the time that is the only place I have order.
When my first husband & I separated, everything fell into chaos. I was doing my best just to make sure my two girls where o.k. & keeping us together. It was a very difficult time for us. My girls were around 2 and 4 years of age. I lost my job one month after their father & I divorced. I struggled to keep food on the table & pay our bills. Yet, I was determined to do what was best for my kids. All organization went out the door as I ended up going back to school, working, & taking care of 2 small children. We just had to live day to day. Yet, I still kept up my organized kitchen.
I tend to think that's sort of my sanctuary. My place of peace. As long as I can cook something or bake something, things were going to be o.k.
When I met my 2nd husband, I knew I didn't have to be perfect because he accepted me for who I was. As we started our life together, we moved quite a few times trying to find our perfect forever home. Due to that we have never fully unpacked into one of our homes. We were always half way unpacked & making do because we knew in our hearts that wasn't our home.
Well, finally we have our forever home. We purchased our home in July 2016. We are still in the process of unpacking & moving in. The weekend we started moving in we lost my wonderful Aunt Linda to cancer. That was a devastating loss to our whole family & we had many things to settle. After we laid her to rest in New Mexico we came back to settle in. Not long after, my husband was sent to New Jersey to work for a month! I wasn't able to get much done myself as I was taking care of our 2 year old & working. It seemed like we've had so many roadblocks & detours to getting our home settled.
Now, I am determined to get our house settled & organized. I am trying room by room to make our home much better. I admit that I am jealous of all the homes I see on instagram that are so organized, clean, & decorated. I wonder how they all do it. I'm doing good most nights when I get home from work to make dinner, deal with the toddler & teenagers, clean up a little bit, & get some sleep. I always feel like I'm not doing enough.
I know that I shouldn't measure myself by other people because no two people are the same but I do feel like I'm lacking some times. I envy those moms that get to home school their children, have their homes so clean, & have the cutest decorations set up. My decorating anymore has become a hodge podge of things from the kids, gifts, & some silk flowers that are 10 years old.
I am slowly making my home more mine & not a collection of stuff. My husband & I have both said that we need to get rid of the clutter in our lives. We have a rented storage building for the last 8 years that we are trying to clean out. We also have a small cottage in our back yard that we are trying to fix up so that our teenage daughters don't have to be on top of each other. Again, delays to that project due to circumstances beyond our control.
Yes, it's a lot of work but for once I am excited for the hard work & repairs. We have a home that is all ours. I can finally unpack all of the boxes. I can put things on the walls & paint the rooms any color I want. That was exciting for me. In fact, we painted 3 rooms of our house right after we moved in. I finally have my red kitchen! I've also learned that I don't have to have everything organized right this minute. It's a process that will take time but we will get it done.
I just need to remember that God is in control of our lives & even though I may want things to be a certain way, all things happen in His time.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
You would be turning 7 soon.....
7 years ago yesterday, I was sitting in the hospital E.R. hoping I was wrong but knowing that my heart was breaking bit by bit as we waited. When they finally got us into a room several hours later & told us that you were no longer with us, I thought I'd die. We were only about 4 months into the pregnancy when God decided He needed you more than we did.
The last few years I have handled the anniversary pretty well. This year, not so much. I still seem to tear up easily about you. I think it's because of your baby sister, Isabella. She just turned 3 the week before. She's a spitfire. I look at her and I can't help wondering about you.
We never got to hold you. We never even found out if you were a he or a she. I wonder if you would look more like your Daddy or like me. I wonder if you would be a cuddle buddy, more independent, or a little of both. I wonder if you would have the contagious smile that your sister has.
I wonder if we would be involved with football, t-ball, gymnastics, or dance. There are hundreds of things that I wonder about. But I know that God has a plan and that someday we will be with you again. For now, I can hold you in my heart and know that no one will love you more than your Mommy. You are my sweet Angel baby & I know that one day I will hold you in my arms.
Until that day, I know that you are with God & the ones closest to us that have already passed on. I love you, Angel Baby.
The last few years I have handled the anniversary pretty well. This year, not so much. I still seem to tear up easily about you. I think it's because of your baby sister, Isabella. She just turned 3 the week before. She's a spitfire. I look at her and I can't help wondering about you.
We never got to hold you. We never even found out if you were a he or a she. I wonder if you would look more like your Daddy or like me. I wonder if you would be a cuddle buddy, more independent, or a little of both. I wonder if you would have the contagious smile that your sister has.
I wonder if we would be involved with football, t-ball, gymnastics, or dance. There are hundreds of things that I wonder about. But I know that God has a plan and that someday we will be with you again. For now, I can hold you in my heart and know that no one will love you more than your Mommy. You are my sweet Angel baby & I know that one day I will hold you in my arms.
Until that day, I know that you are with God & the ones closest to us that have already passed on. I love you, Angel Baby.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Confession
Looking at the title of this post & that of my blog, you would think I was actually talking about going to church to confession. No, it's not about that. Yes, confession is good for the soul & definitely more of what I need to do but that's not what this post is really about. It's hard for me to put into words what I am trying to type now. Current events in the news have compelled me to write. I am writing because of Ray & Janay Rice.
I don't like to talk about those times in my past because I still cannot believe that I let these things happen to me. I am a smart woman. I knew how to take care of myself. I knew what was right & wrong or so I thought. The first time I was involved in an abusive relationship, I was 18 years old. I don't have any excuses for it. I had just graduated high school & most of my friends were off to college while I stayed home to go to community college. I was lonely. I started to hang out with a guy that I knew wasn't good for me. I knew him from other people while in high school & could never stand him while I was in high school. Yet, for some reason, I started hanging out with him all the time. Unfortunately, that caused a rift between my family & myself. One that I still have a hard time forgiving myself for. I ended up moving in with this person & my life changed for the worst. I still can't explain how I let this happen to me. I was a smart girl. I knew what was right & wrong. Yet, I got involved with someone who took all my money, helped get my vehicle repossessed, took something valuable from me that will never be returned, & who hit me. I lived in confusion & fear. I didn't think I could turn to my family because of how I had acted at the beginning. I had to walk miles to and from work every day. I had no food & never knew what to expect when I came back to the apartment. When he hit me, he said he was teaching me to defend myself. I finally came out of this situation after my great-aunt passed away. My family reached out to me & helped pull me from the hell I was in. I owe them so much for that. They pulled me out of abuse, they healed me from illness, & they kept me from going to jail.
After that, I told myself I would NEVER get into another situation like that again. How wrong I was.... A few years later I started dating someone I had known through the family for years. To all intents and purposes he was a good Catholic, Czech boy. My family knew his family. That should make everything right. No, it didn't. After a short period of dating we were engaged & after an even shorter engagement, we were married. Part of me thinks that my body & my head were warning me that things weren't right because shortly after we were married I developed migraines. I suffered from at least 1 or 2 migraines a week during the entire time we were married. I honestly thought that our marriage was as marriages were supposed to be. There is always going to be some arguing, some disagreement. Yet, as the years went on, everything became my fault. I wasn't good enough. It was his way or the highway. We had one beautiful daughter & while pregnant, I lost my job. I think that was a real turning point in our relationship. Dealing with the hardship & uncertainty. We kept together for a few more years & the arrival of another beautiful daughter. Unfortunately, I still remember when I took the pregnancy test & it was positive how he looked at me in condemnation even though we had agreed to have more children. The put downs & jibes at me continued. Everything was still my fault. I was a horrible mother. The fights & the hurt from the words & emotions. Finally, I saw how I was hurting my kids, how I was away from my family. I started to see a counselor who explained verbal & emotional abuse. I started to find my backbone before he could ever lay a hand on me. He then asked for a divorce & I thought my world shattered.
I am Catholic & believed that you could not get a divorce. That it was morally wrong. That was one of the things that kept me married to him for 7 years. Along with trying to figure out how I was going to take care of two little girls by myself. I had no where to go. We were living in a mobile home on his parents' land. He had them convinced that I was the problem also. How time changes so many things. We divorced & I picked myself up for my kids.
As time goes on, I can see some things through his eyes. I can understand his fear & uncertainty and know that since I was the closest one to him, I was an easy target. No, I cannot easily forget the pain that was caused but I have learnt to forgive. He & I actually get along now, most of the time. I think we were both so young & hurt by our marriage that it has made us both leery of each other & other people.
Luckily, time starts to heal all wounds. I have now been in a good relationship for over 7 years. My husband & I will celebrate 5 years of marriage next March. He truly loves me & doesn't hurt me. He doesn't want to change me & he believes in me.
Now I look to the future & try to protect my daughters from what I experienced. I thought I knew the signs before I got involved in my abusive relationships but I was wrong. I hope that I can see any signs before my daughters ever experience them.
A few things that every woman should know is that you are better than any one will ever give you credit for. Don't ever feel that you are not good enough. God put you on this earth so you are more than good enough because you are a child of God. Second, you always have a place to go to. No matter how bad it seems, there is always a friend, a family member, a complete stranger, or a church that will help you. You just have to reach out. I learnt that even being Catholic, divorce happens. God forgives & He knows everything that goes on behind closed doors. He does not want His children to be hurt so He knows it's o.k. when you have to do something to get out of those situations.
I pray for all the women, young & old, that have been in or are currently in abusive relationships. God is listening to our prayers & He will help you. Just reach out & ask. If you know me & need help, just ask. I will help. No one, no one deserves to be hurt.
I hope & wish for better for all of the men & women who are in abusive relationships. I hope & wish that our future generations do not have to experience them either.
You are smart, you are beautiful, you are worthy!!!
I don't like to talk about those times in my past because I still cannot believe that I let these things happen to me. I am a smart woman. I knew how to take care of myself. I knew what was right & wrong or so I thought. The first time I was involved in an abusive relationship, I was 18 years old. I don't have any excuses for it. I had just graduated high school & most of my friends were off to college while I stayed home to go to community college. I was lonely. I started to hang out with a guy that I knew wasn't good for me. I knew him from other people while in high school & could never stand him while I was in high school. Yet, for some reason, I started hanging out with him all the time. Unfortunately, that caused a rift between my family & myself. One that I still have a hard time forgiving myself for. I ended up moving in with this person & my life changed for the worst. I still can't explain how I let this happen to me. I was a smart girl. I knew what was right & wrong. Yet, I got involved with someone who took all my money, helped get my vehicle repossessed, took something valuable from me that will never be returned, & who hit me. I lived in confusion & fear. I didn't think I could turn to my family because of how I had acted at the beginning. I had to walk miles to and from work every day. I had no food & never knew what to expect when I came back to the apartment. When he hit me, he said he was teaching me to defend myself. I finally came out of this situation after my great-aunt passed away. My family reached out to me & helped pull me from the hell I was in. I owe them so much for that. They pulled me out of abuse, they healed me from illness, & they kept me from going to jail.
After that, I told myself I would NEVER get into another situation like that again. How wrong I was.... A few years later I started dating someone I had known through the family for years. To all intents and purposes he was a good Catholic, Czech boy. My family knew his family. That should make everything right. No, it didn't. After a short period of dating we were engaged & after an even shorter engagement, we were married. Part of me thinks that my body & my head were warning me that things weren't right because shortly after we were married I developed migraines. I suffered from at least 1 or 2 migraines a week during the entire time we were married. I honestly thought that our marriage was as marriages were supposed to be. There is always going to be some arguing, some disagreement. Yet, as the years went on, everything became my fault. I wasn't good enough. It was his way or the highway. We had one beautiful daughter & while pregnant, I lost my job. I think that was a real turning point in our relationship. Dealing with the hardship & uncertainty. We kept together for a few more years & the arrival of another beautiful daughter. Unfortunately, I still remember when I took the pregnancy test & it was positive how he looked at me in condemnation even though we had agreed to have more children. The put downs & jibes at me continued. Everything was still my fault. I was a horrible mother. The fights & the hurt from the words & emotions. Finally, I saw how I was hurting my kids, how I was away from my family. I started to see a counselor who explained verbal & emotional abuse. I started to find my backbone before he could ever lay a hand on me. He then asked for a divorce & I thought my world shattered.
I am Catholic & believed that you could not get a divorce. That it was morally wrong. That was one of the things that kept me married to him for 7 years. Along with trying to figure out how I was going to take care of two little girls by myself. I had no where to go. We were living in a mobile home on his parents' land. He had them convinced that I was the problem also. How time changes so many things. We divorced & I picked myself up for my kids.
As time goes on, I can see some things through his eyes. I can understand his fear & uncertainty and know that since I was the closest one to him, I was an easy target. No, I cannot easily forget the pain that was caused but I have learnt to forgive. He & I actually get along now, most of the time. I think we were both so young & hurt by our marriage that it has made us both leery of each other & other people.
Luckily, time starts to heal all wounds. I have now been in a good relationship for over 7 years. My husband & I will celebrate 5 years of marriage next March. He truly loves me & doesn't hurt me. He doesn't want to change me & he believes in me.
Now I look to the future & try to protect my daughters from what I experienced. I thought I knew the signs before I got involved in my abusive relationships but I was wrong. I hope that I can see any signs before my daughters ever experience them.
A few things that every woman should know is that you are better than any one will ever give you credit for. Don't ever feel that you are not good enough. God put you on this earth so you are more than good enough because you are a child of God. Second, you always have a place to go to. No matter how bad it seems, there is always a friend, a family member, a complete stranger, or a church that will help you. You just have to reach out. I learnt that even being Catholic, divorce happens. God forgives & He knows everything that goes on behind closed doors. He does not want His children to be hurt so He knows it's o.k. when you have to do something to get out of those situations.
I pray for all the women, young & old, that have been in or are currently in abusive relationships. God is listening to our prayers & He will help you. Just reach out & ask. If you know me & need help, just ask. I will help. No one, no one deserves to be hurt.
I hope & wish for better for all of the men & women who are in abusive relationships. I hope & wish that our future generations do not have to experience them either.
You are smart, you are beautiful, you are worthy!!!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The newest member
It's been a while since I've written. T h e easiest explanation is the birth of our beautiful baby girl, Isabella Michelle. She was born on December 9th weighing in at 9lbs 15oz. She is a joy. Our baby is healthy & happy. A true gift from God. She makes my day just by showing me her smile. She already has her Daddy & I wrapped around her little finger. Her brothers & sisters think she's pretty special too.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Ups & Downs
There have been so many ups & downs for us since we first found out that we were having another baby. Our first up, of course, was the news of the pregnancy along with the complete shock. Both my husband & myself did not think that we would have another child at this late stage. My husband jokes that I ruined his 5 year plan. His plan was that in 5 years all of the kids would graduate high school & be out of the house. Then we would have time to ourselves. Well, now we will have time together raising another daughter. :)
The first down we had was the scare of another miscarriage. It was shortly after we had found out that we were pregnant. We told Dr. Becker of our loss 4 years ago & that we were concerned this time. They did a blood test that Thursday of our appointment and then the following Saturday we did another blood test at the hospital. The on-call doctor called us later that afternoon to tell us that my levels were dropping and therefore I should be expecting to miscarry our baby at any time. My world fell apart. I could not believe that we were going to lose our baby. We went a whole weekend being completely devastated. We had a follow up appointment with Dr. Becker that Monday. He too, thought that we were going to lose our baby. He told us that he wanted to do another, more thorough ultrasound. Our hearts were breaking but we went ahead with the ultrasound. That was when our miracle was seen. Our little "peanut" was alive & doing fine. Our fervent prayers were answered.
We've had minor ups & downs since then. Now we are dealing with decreased incomes & I was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes. At first, I was devastated with the news but I've learned that it's not as bad as it first seems. I've talked to cousins and friends who had it with their last pregnancies and they are all well. I've also learned that no matter how down & upset I get, my husband has my back & keeps reminding me. I was pretty down this Saturday & feeling lost. When he came in & asked me why I was crying I told him that I was hormonal & the worries on my mind. This is what my wonderful husband said to me, "We always get through it. Do not worry so much over it because God has a plan for us and we have to trust in His plan. That's how I know we are going to be o.k. because He has a plan." Now, my husband does not talk much about religion and doesn't go to church. I try to go to church every Sunday and I even teach religious education to freshmen & sophomores. Yet, I was the one being reminded & taught this weekend.
God does have plans for each of us and we have to trust in Him & wait for things to happen in His time. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a wonderful & loving husband that helps to remind me to not sweat the small stuff & listen to You.
The first down we had was the scare of another miscarriage. It was shortly after we had found out that we were pregnant. We told Dr. Becker of our loss 4 years ago & that we were concerned this time. They did a blood test that Thursday of our appointment and then the following Saturday we did another blood test at the hospital. The on-call doctor called us later that afternoon to tell us that my levels were dropping and therefore I should be expecting to miscarry our baby at any time. My world fell apart. I could not believe that we were going to lose our baby. We went a whole weekend being completely devastated. We had a follow up appointment with Dr. Becker that Monday. He too, thought that we were going to lose our baby. He told us that he wanted to do another, more thorough ultrasound. Our hearts were breaking but we went ahead with the ultrasound. That was when our miracle was seen. Our little "peanut" was alive & doing fine. Our fervent prayers were answered.
We've had minor ups & downs since then. Now we are dealing with decreased incomes & I was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes. At first, I was devastated with the news but I've learned that it's not as bad as it first seems. I've talked to cousins and friends who had it with their last pregnancies and they are all well. I've also learned that no matter how down & upset I get, my husband has my back & keeps reminding me. I was pretty down this Saturday & feeling lost. When he came in & asked me why I was crying I told him that I was hormonal & the worries on my mind. This is what my wonderful husband said to me, "We always get through it. Do not worry so much over it because God has a plan for us and we have to trust in His plan. That's how I know we are going to be o.k. because He has a plan." Now, my husband does not talk much about religion and doesn't go to church. I try to go to church every Sunday and I even teach religious education to freshmen & sophomores. Yet, I was the one being reminded & taught this weekend.
God does have plans for each of us and we have to trust in Him & wait for things to happen in His time. Thank you, Lord, for giving me a wonderful & loving husband that helps to remind me to not sweat the small stuff & listen to You.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
And Baby makes 6!!
Oh! The surprises that God drops into our laps. Mike & I thought we were just about done with raising kids when, boom. We are now expecting a baby. Technically, this will be our second since we suffered a miscarriage about 4 years ago. Mike jokes that I messed up his 5 year plan of having all the kids out of the house & time alone together. I guess God had other plans on how we were going to be spending our lives together.
So, we are now preparing for a new bundle of joy to join our family in December 2013. All the bets are flying as to if it's going to be a boy or a girl. Mike wants a boy because he says there's too much estrogen in the house now with me & the two girls. LOL! Gabby wants a baby sister because she doesn't want to change the diapers of a baby boy. Needless to say, there is a lot of humor behind the wager of the sex of the baby. Me, I just want a healthy, happy baby.
Honestly, I never imagined that I would be almost 40 & pregnant. This is a lot different that when I was pregnant with Caitlin & Gabby. The one thing really stands out when I got to the doctor is my "advanced maternal age". Due to this we have had to have extra blood tests & ultra sounds to make sure our little Peanut is doing o.k. Well, we've made it to over 16 weeks so far & things are looking good.
Monday, July 8th, we are scheduled for a Level 2 Ultrasound to make sure all is progressing well with our little Peanut. Hopefully, we will be able to find out if Peanut is a he or a she. :) Though, if Mike will let anyone know, that's still a question.
Here's to loving God's little surprises that He drops into our laps. :)
So, we are now preparing for a new bundle of joy to join our family in December 2013. All the bets are flying as to if it's going to be a boy or a girl. Mike wants a boy because he says there's too much estrogen in the house now with me & the two girls. LOL! Gabby wants a baby sister because she doesn't want to change the diapers of a baby boy. Needless to say, there is a lot of humor behind the wager of the sex of the baby. Me, I just want a healthy, happy baby.
Honestly, I never imagined that I would be almost 40 & pregnant. This is a lot different that when I was pregnant with Caitlin & Gabby. The one thing really stands out when I got to the doctor is my "advanced maternal age". Due to this we have had to have extra blood tests & ultra sounds to make sure our little Peanut is doing o.k. Well, we've made it to over 16 weeks so far & things are looking good.
Monday, July 8th, we are scheduled for a Level 2 Ultrasound to make sure all is progressing well with our little Peanut. Hopefully, we will be able to find out if Peanut is a he or a she. :) Though, if Mike will let anyone know, that's still a question.
Here's to loving God's little surprises that He drops into our laps. :)
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Life Changes
It's amazing the things that happen in our lives that completely change everything. On April 17, 2013, our lives were drastically changed. The explosion in West, TX not only rocked our house it rocked our lives. So many of our friends, family, & people we just knew had their homes damaged or destroyed. The loss of fire fighters & EMT's in Abbott & West was devastating. The West Ambulance lost not only members & friends, but also lost their facility & much needed equipment. The West fire department also lost much needed equipment. Families had their lives turned upside down not only by losing their homes but by injuries & deaths caused from the explosion. The owners of West Fertilizer lost so much & are carrying this heavy burden on their shoulders. One thing that West & Abbott has not lost during these trying times is our Faith. As so many have said, we are shaken but we are not stirred. Also, that God is big enough to help us through this.
Among all the stories of loss & damages there are many stories of miracles. I can't tell you how many people have told me that somehow they weren't harmed when it's hard to believe when you look at the damage around them. How in houses where angels & crosses are displayed, there is no damage near those items. How in a yard where the statue of the Virgin Mary survived without damage but the bird feeder sitting next too it was completely destroyed. There are so many signs that God and His angels were there protecting the people of West to the best of their ability.
In the midst of tragedy, there was so much good that came about. The people of West pulled together & started helping each other out. Abbott opened it's doors to others. Many surrounding communities pitched in with supplies, volunteers, & shelter. In the days following, the people that were displaced jumped in to volunteer to help everyone else too. Yes, there where people that took advantage of the goodness that was present as it always seems to happen with the devil walking among us. But the goodness outweighed the evil.
I can't help but thank God for the miracles & the love that He has brought to us through these trying times. We will continue to praise Him & to help our communities rebuild.
We are "Shaken not stirred" & "God is Big Enough".
Among all the stories of loss & damages there are many stories of miracles. I can't tell you how many people have told me that somehow they weren't harmed when it's hard to believe when you look at the damage around them. How in houses where angels & crosses are displayed, there is no damage near those items. How in a yard where the statue of the Virgin Mary survived without damage but the bird feeder sitting next too it was completely destroyed. There are so many signs that God and His angels were there protecting the people of West to the best of their ability.
In the midst of tragedy, there was so much good that came about. The people of West pulled together & started helping each other out. Abbott opened it's doors to others. Many surrounding communities pitched in with supplies, volunteers, & shelter. In the days following, the people that were displaced jumped in to volunteer to help everyone else too. Yes, there where people that took advantage of the goodness that was present as it always seems to happen with the devil walking among us. But the goodness outweighed the evil.
I can't help but thank God for the miracles & the love that He has brought to us through these trying times. We will continue to praise Him & to help our communities rebuild.
We are "Shaken not stirred" & "God is Big Enough".
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